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You Only Hurt the Ones You Love - NOT!
By: Anne
Hartley Pfohl, MSEd, ABD
 Come on. We’ve all done it. In the heat of the
moment, when we feel like we’re backed into an emotional of
psychological corner, or when we just can’t resist letting that
perfectly worded and well-timed zinger fly...Wham! I’ve just hurt the
person I love. And whether it’s five minutes, five hours, or five days
later, I usually come to the realization that I was wrong to do it - no
one deserves to be spoken to that way, least of all the people we love
the most.
So, lashing out, hurting others, and getting even
are all part of life, right? And making up can be fun - even hot, am I
right? Well...that’s not really what I’m talking about here. It goes a
little deeper than that. I’m talking about looking at the dark, shadow
side of some of the hurting that goes on in our lives. What I’m talking
about is the fact that some of us use intimidation to bind others to us.
Some of us bully our “loved ones,” hit them, hurt them, degrade and
humiliate them. We want to make sure the ties that bind don’t leave
lovers any room to wander. Sometimes we hurt others - mentally,
emotionally, and physically - in an effort to make sure we’re the ones
on top. Abuse goes on between and among us. We’re not immune.
October is Anti-Domestic Violence Awareness month.
We may not want to talk about it. We may not want to admit that our
already beleaguered community might have this bad mark on our
relationship records too. By turning our heads away, or burying them in
the sand of silence, we don’t solve the problem. What ends up happening
instead is that those among us who are victims - trapped, scared,
overwhelmed and hurt - feel isolated, alone, and with no where to turn.
If our secrets make us sicker, then ending the
silence can only, ultimately, make us stronger. Is there someone close
to you who might need some understanding, support, and to know they are
not alone? Don’t hesitate to let that person know you care. Have you
seen or overheard a friend or acquaintance abuse or mistreat their
partner? Step in, speak up, and let people know abusive behavior toward
an intimate partner is not simply a personal matter - it’s wrong and it
won’t be tolerated by any of us.
Sometimes we hurt the ones we love. But sometimes
hurting loved ones becomes habitual, systematic, controlling, and
dangerous. Creating safety for people in our communities begins by all
of us stepping up, speaking up, and saying no to the violence.
The Pride Center of Western New York has referral
materials available for those who need help and information. We are
committed to working with local agencies, providers, and the LGBT
Anti-Domestic Violence Committee to assist people in our community with
counseling, safety planning, and other programming that builds healthy
relationships between and among us.
The LGBT Anti-Domestic Violence Committee is a
group of knowledgeable and concerned professionals who have been working
in our community for the past 2-3 years educating and advocating about
issues of abuse in our intimate relationships.
From the LGBT Anti-Domestic Violence
Committee
If you or someone you know is in a relationship
that includes:
-
physical abuse (including pushing, shoving,
grabbing)
- stalking
- isolation
- restricting of freedom
- psychological or emotional abuse
- threats or intimidation
- manipulation
- homophobic control
- economic abuse
- sexual abuse or unwanted sexual contact
- property destruction
- forced drug or alcohol abuse
- unwanted outing
- intentional exposure to HIV or other sexually
transmitted diseases
- withholding of medication
- threats or harm to pets
- threats or harm to children
THERE IS HELP AVAILABLE!
What we all can do:
- believe the victim
- don’t ignore the abuse
- hold batterers accountable
- help your friend find help
- educate yourself
- break the silence - discuss the issue with friends
- get involved
What the victim can do:
- admit that you are being abused
- tell someone what is happening
- seek help from a counselor or support group
- develop a safety/escape plan
- pack a bag
- get a post office box
- your own bank account
- keep your important documents in a secure place
- find a safe place for yourself
- use the police and courts to obtain an order of
protection
- leave
- keep a record of all abusive incidents
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